So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
