I wish I only lived at night.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
