Will you blow on my dice?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
