So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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