sarcasm needs its own font
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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