Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
