So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
