When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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