i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
