So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
