Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
