i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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