I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
