I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
