You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
