watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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