I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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