question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
