just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
