saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
