theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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