I think i peed on brittanys purse
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
