Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
