I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
