Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
