It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
