Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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