my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
