the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
