my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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