I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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