today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
