By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
