My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
