apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
