I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
