When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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