My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
