So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
