Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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