A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i may or may not be watching the land before time
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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