Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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