if you like me you must not know who I am
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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