My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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