his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
