mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
