I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
