I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
