I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
