Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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