It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
